We talked about this video of Brene Brown at TEDxHouston.
Concluding statments:
This reminds me me of a book I read a long time ago, I forgot the title, there's a statment that impressed me, that made a big impact. The statement was, if we don't feel … you know, at that time, I was a very unhappy person, and because I was like the person she she talked about in the video, you know, 'we numb our feelings' I tried to chase a kind of life, which had no ups and downs. I just wanted a life, like, that was level. I didn't want happiness, I didn't want pain. Which is a kind of numbness.
But I knew I was really unhappy. And I depended, I found out because of that book, I depended on other people for my happiness. If they think you're worthy, you're happy. If you think you're unworthy, you're unhappy. You give your control away. I remember this statement stayed in my mind for a long time. In the very beginning today, at one point we talked about people who think they are worthy. When we talked about that , this statement came to my mind.
Do you feel differently now? About being level, I mean?
Of course, these fifteen years I've changed a lot. But it's hard to describe, I don't know how to say it.
I'm thinking about 'shame is the fear of disconnection. Actually I don't understand this sentence very well. For example, I fear to be alone in a group, so I construct a connection very quickly in a group, even if I just come to work for one day, because, I don't know, is this shame or something? But I want to, I don't know how to say it, but what she said is, shame is the fear of disconnection. But actually I don't feal shame in many relationships, or in social situations. So, maybe I'm not recognizing the meaning of shame very well. So, I'm not making this statement very well today…!
I'm so shocked today, because I totally agree with what she said, that connection is the purpose we live in the world, to make connection with others. But also at the same time we're afraid to be connected with others, because we fear our negative part to be seen. So this kind of fear makes the disconnection happen.
Ah! because you feel shame, so it causes the disconnection?
Yeah, exactly. And, so the speaker said, if we want to keep the connection with others, we need to open our mind to accept our imperfections. When we can accept our imperfections, we don't fear. There's no fear in connection with others. But for myself, it's hard to fully open my mind to accept my imperfections, I think that maybe in my experience, I was told I need to be perfect, and every time when I do something wrong, or any time I figure out I have something bad, the result is not good, I fear, I cannot open my mind. And yeah. So that's what I've found in tonights discussion, and this really shocked me.
Why'd it shock you?
I need to accept the vulnerablilty.
Yeah. I totally agree.
I have a question: We fear to be seen, our weakness. But still, other people see our weakness, regardless.
We don't want to be seen, the real weakness.
But still, it's so obvious!
And the more we want to hide it, the more it's obvious.
So there's no point in the fear and there's no point to hiding it.
Use that force to do something else.
I need to have this printed on my backpack or on my desk:
We don't need to fear because everyone already sees our weakness. So there's no point in being afraid.
I like that you said to use that force to do something else.
Yes, we can use that energy more productively.
Notes to the discussion:
What is shame?
Shame is something you don't want to talk about
It's something you're afraid for other to know about
It's about something very bad, and you want to hide it.
Everyone in society or your family regards it as bad. It's socially disapproved of.
disgrace
from dictionary.com:
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another
Nobody wants to talk about shame, unless they feel safe enough.
What's safe?
You trust somebody, you trust the relationship
That they won't betray you.
Having credentials like a degree, makes you feel safe, and have the confidence to reach out.
But if you haven't got one, you're afraid of being looked down on, because you don't meet that standard, so you feel ashamed.
But that's not right! that's totally wrong!
Yeah, if you're defined by your job, you feel shame, and not worthy of connecting with each other.
So shame is the feeling of disconnection.
Recognition from others promotes connection.
Where i'm from, you can be not good enough, and it's still okay. Like disabled people making weird faces in public, and it's still okay, everyone treats them just like normal persons, and make small talk with them.
In order for connection to happen, you have to allow yourself to really be seen.
Even with your family, you don't want them to see all of you.
I would say, especially with your family.
showing yourself, vs being seen
showing is more active
being seen is more natural
being seen is a situation, not an action.
there has to be people looking in order to 'be seen'
It's easier to tell the truth about myself when i'm in a group of poeple that i'm pretty sure i'm not going to see again.
Like americans can tell their whole life story to someone on a train, expecting that they'll never see each other again!
Family and friends might have certian expectations of you, but you;re afraid you can't fulfil it, so you hide yourself. with strangers, there's no expectation, so you;'re free to say whetever you want.
Vulnerablility is:
weakness
willing to be hurt
from dictionary.com
open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
This is the key to connection. Because if you want to connect to others, you have to be prepared to be hurt.
Hurt?
Because they are not always good connections. Any relationship has problems.
Your boss will not always say you did ia good job.
You can be verbally attacked.
Omg, this is why my senior officer told me I need to be able to be hurt. Because I'm afraid to be blamed.
Blame is better translated 'critizise' or 'yell at'.
You can only say 'blame' if you're the cause of the problem.
People who have a sense of worthiness, a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's all it is.
People who struggle for it, who always wonder if they're good enough, fear that they're not worthy of it.
this is why racism is corrosive. if you walk around and all the people around you are constantly looking down on you, how can you ever feel worthy of love and belonging? Everyone around you is saying, "You don't belong!"
1. Courage. The courage to be imperfect.
We all know we're imperfect, but it's hard for us to accept it.
Really? I accept it.
Well, I do too, but i'm afraid for other people to know about it.
2. Compassion. To be kind to ourselves first, and then to others. You can't be kind to others if you're not kind to yourself first.
When you have an overflow of love, than you can love other people.
We're all taught the opposite. We always say, take care of others.
I have an different experience of my mom. She took care of others, but wasn't that good to herself or her family.
I had this boyfriend who was nice to everyone, but really evil to me and his family. It took me a long time to figure things out, because everyone he was not close to thought he was so great, but finally I realized that he really hated himself and he took it out on me and on his family, and this would never change, so I got out of there.
I had this class mate who treated his friends very well, but to his girlfriend, he was not that good. I don't know why, but I always hear about this.
I think when someone treats strangers better than family or friends, I think it's that they love themselves more. They want others to think that he's good.
Yeah, everyone said he's a good friend, but not a good partner.
There's a lot of that goes around.
3. Connection. As a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they should be in order to be who they are. You have to be willing to do this to experience real connection.
Well,sometimes a group only has shallow connection, and you are careful to not say too much. Because you need to have this group.
You need to have shallow connections, I need to have the relationship with them, because I live in the group.
When you try to build this kind of connection with your colleague.
I have a question, do you not show your real self?
Well, I don't show all of me.
So you show your real self, but you're selective.
If I only know someone for ten days, I don't need to go into all that.
You're being your authentic self, even to make a shallow connection.
You have to be your authentic self to make any kind of connection, even if you don't give them the whole book at first. You just give them a few pages of your real self, and then maybe a few more. But they have to be the real pages, or you can't make the connection.
