Boundaries, Trust, Community

This is the first part of a two-part discussion. Here's the transcript of a previous discussion on this article.

The following quotes come from this blog post, and from the comments below it. The last quote is a concept invented by people in the USian blogosphere.

"…as soon as someone stops having fun, we stop. If [our 4-year old] tells us to stop, we stop. This is the only way to teach our kids boundaries."

"When I was a child (and now, actually) my mother didn’t respect me saying no or telling her to stop doing something to me at all, and … she wonders now why I don’t trust her."

"It’s important to teach these things to the next generation but just as important to model them, too.
Unfortunately this side is so often ignored. When the two-year old in question says “no!” to his Dad, is he listened to? Or is his “no”, like the “no” of so many children, ignored, called a”tantrum”, is he told to “get on with it, there’s no choice”, is he told to “stop answering back”? "

"Raising an assertive girl means valuing and respecting her assertions and letting go of the notion that a “good” child is a compliant child."

“You don’t get to say what offends other people. If they don’t like it, you can’t keep doing it. As soon as you know you’re offending them, and you keep doing that thing, you’re saying you don’t care how you make them feel, that you’re ok that they’re uncomfortable, and that it’s your fault.”

"My rights end where yours begin."

I feel that there is a connection between the ideas contained in these quotes, with wider implications for building a successful community. Would you come explore with me?

So above, I used this term 'successful community'. What do you think of when you hear this term?
What word would you use in either English or Chinese to indicate the same concept?
What are the qualities of a successful community?
What are the qualities of a group that cooperates well?

What does 'setting boundaries' mean?
What are some examples of boundaries?
Do you often set boundaries with people?
Do you feel your boundaries are firm or flexible?

What does a boundary feel like when you set it?
When someone else sets one and you run into it?

Boundaries and Trust
What does trust feel like?
How do you know when you trust someone else?
How do you know when someone trusts you?

Does setting boundaries create trust between people, or reduce trust?
Does complying with boundaries indicate respect? Does setting boundaries indicate respect?

Boundaries and Care-taking
When does one have the right to set boundaries, or under what circumstances is it considered acceptible for sb to set boundaries? What are the qualities of a person considered capable of setting boundaries for themselves?

How do you determine when someone is not cabable of being responsible for themselves? Are these standards different for a child, a mentally ill person, or an elderly person?

What makes someone unable to take responsiblity for making decisions for themselves?
At what point do you say, 'Okay, we have to determine some things for this person, because they're not taking care of themselves well enough?'

What give someone the right to say, "You're not capable of taking care of yourself, I'm going to make your decisions for you"?

Even when someone is not allowed to make large decisions for themselves, are they allowed to set boundaries? What level of boundary is acceptable?

Boundaries and Community
When does the group set boundaries for the individual, and when does the individual set boundaries for the group, or others in the group?

1 comment:

  1. When I read this post, I was thinking "holy crap, this is what is happening to me recently"

    Because I have been having trouble sleeping for the past month. I thought it would get better, but still it's the same. So I told my parents about this. Oh god! Such a mistake.

    My dad was like, "Remember you wrote that letter before leaving that you're able to take care of everything now? Looks like you can't take care of yourself at all. It's better you come back to Taiwan"

    I feel so upset. It's as if I have to be totally happy and no problem at all. And completely know what I'm doing. And if there's any problem, I'm not able to handle things, which means I can't take care of myself. My dad always says things which make me upset. But I can't just talk to my mom, cause my dad will come and interrupt anyway.

    Boundaries and Trust. Boundaries and Care-taking. Totally related.

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